Here Comes the Slayer!
by ItReallyHappened
Summary: What would happen if Honey Boo Boo had been the chosen one? Written in epistolary form, from Alana and Giles' respective journals. There are Buffy spoilers. And while I am aware that Honey Boo Boo is not a work of fiction I have tried to enhance her personality so that she does seem more like a caricature of herself. I hope that makes sense!


_September 1st_

_Into every generation a slayer is born. One girl in all the world: a chosen one. She alone will wield the skill and strength to fight the vampires, demons and the forces of evil, she will stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their numbers. She is the slayer and her name is-_

_Honey Boo Boo Child._

_We are all doomed._

…

Dear journaaaallllllll

I sure had some WEIRD old dreams last night! Symbols and FIRE and one REAL lumpy lookin' vampire!

I reckon he needs to ask pumpkin to do him a FACIAL!

It was my first day at school today WOOO HONEY BOO BOO AT SUNNYDALE HIGH!

Mama drove me to school in the truck she shoutin' SMOOCHIE SMOOCHIE REAL LOUD out that window all them kids look scared to DEATH!

I reckon they thought mama was CRAZY or that she gon' EAT them!

I reckon mama could eat them, they all be walkin' around in her belly no problem in all that vajiggle jaggle!

I had to go see the principal right away. His name is principal flutie and I am not allowed to call him bob.

He seemed real mad about me burning down my old school's gym

I dunno know why its not like I burned down this gym!

…

_Honestly, I did not know what I had expected but it certainly was not this. It has been 2 hours since our last encounter and I can still hear her voice reverberating around the inside of my skull. It has been a very long day._

…

I made a friend right away today when I swung by bag in his face ON ACCIDENT.

His name's Zander.

He says its with an X but I don't know what that means.

I saw him fall right off his skateboard when he was looking at me because I was so BEAUTIMUS!

But I din't say nothing cause when I hit him in the face all my stuff fell out my bag an he helped me pick it up that was real nice of him.

A girl called Cordeelea showed me where the libray was I din't like her much.

But that's okay, because I accidentally almost staked her a while ago OOPS!

…

_She bounded into my library with such force that the door ricocheted off the wall. It took me all of thirty seconds to get to the counter and in that time she managed to ring the desk bell one hundred times or more. What a racket. I asked her quickly what books she required and that's when I realised who she was._

_"Miss …?"_

…

The libry man called me by my whole name!

Woah mister I said ain't nobody calling me miss ANYTHING and that's a FACT!

My name's Honey Boo Boo!

And heck NO mister I do not want THAT book!

Big ol' stinky book about vampires!

I did not like that book man, he smelled like learning I ran away TOOT SWEET!

That's French look it up.

After that I had lunch with zander and a girl called willow just like the tree!

Willow LOVES the libray and the libray man she uses a lot of big words and talks real fast and I can't keep up.

I talk fast too but it's different because sometimes I talk SLOOOOWWWWWW.

She looks like she scared of me a bit like maybe I'm gon' eat her just like mama gon eat the whole school but not really.

Zander had one of my stakes he said he thought I was building a tiny fence I told him NAW it ain't for no FENCE It's for killing VAMPIRES!

And he laughed and I don't know why.

We didn't have to gym because some DEAD guy fell out of one of the lockers and I looked and he had big ol' bite mark on his neck, VAMPIRE!

Here in SUNNYDALE!

On my first of school?!

NUH UH! NO WAY NO HOW!

I just knew that library man had something to with it. The book man.

…

_For the second time in as many hours my doors clattered open and Alana stomped in. She was under the impression that the dead boy in the locker was somehow my fault. I tried to impress upon her the importance of her duties but she refused to accept responsibility and neither did she appear to be listening, Rather she twirled in place and drew imaginary patterns on the library desks before running away. Again._

…

I told the book man that I did not want to be the slayer anymore and he said you are the slayer.

And then he said blah blah blah something bad is coming blah blah mystical unheevil blah.

So many words! So much talking talk talk TALK!

Talking about my duties and I said I'm going out with willow tonight that's my duties!

…

_I caught up with Alana in the corridor, I had to tell her about the signs of what is to come. I tried to explain everything as quietly as possible what with all the other students around. However, considering the way she was carrying on, I would not be surprised if the whole of Sunnydale knew of her secret within the week. Her reckless abandon for her duties and the secrets she has been entrusted with is incredible. I knew I would have to try harder to make her adhere to her responsibilities._

…

A boy was following me so I SURPRISE jumped on his head BAM! Teach him to follow Honey Boo Boo!

He sure did have big ol' square head!

He was talking a bout killing and hell mouths and a harvest festival and then he gave me a necklace

A cross but one with no little Jesus on it.

When I got to the Bronze me and willow talked a bit she LURRRRVES ZANDER !

She didn't tell me I can just tell it's like my superpower

My other superpower not my slayer superpower

Anyway she's real nice so I told her not to be shy

Then I saw the book man.

Him bein' there in the bronze was weird.

Like that one time when glitzy walked on her hind legs.

That was REAL weird!

…

_I followed Alana to the Bronze and when I had her attention I took the chance to give her another gentle lecture about responsibility, training and so forth. She told me that she had encountered a man who had called himself 'a friend' and that he had mentioned a harvest. She still would not accept that a great danger was on the horizon. I then asked her about her nightmares. Although she didn't not respond I am confident that she is indeed having them._

…

How'd he know about my nightmares I ain't even told CHUBBS about them yet!

I tell Chubbs ALL my dreams she says that they all mean that I'm a fool.

I say she a fool for thinking dreams mean anything but SLEEP TV!

Anyway while he was blah blahhhing about sensing vampires, I had already SEEN one and he was talking to WILLOW!

I ran straight down them stairs to that alley and grabbed a stake.

That's when I nearly KILLED Cordeelea when she jumped out at me

Then ZANDER jumps out at me and sees my stake and tells me he knows who I am or something.

I ain't got time for this where's willow I said

He was like I don't know.

Well he's a great big fat help.

…

_As she galumphed after miss Rosenberg and her vampiric companion all I could do was hope that she reached them in time. I know my words got through to her on some level. And maybe she will think twice now before partying when innocent lives could be in real danger._

…

Zander talks more than pumpkin!

I just wanted to find willow and he was all like

"where's willow can you see willow what if she's hurt BLAH blah!"

Be quiet and maybe we'll find her SHEEEESHHHH!

Anyway we did find her I got there just in time

HONEY BOO BOO TO THE RESCUE DUST! POOF!

Willow and zander ran away and some ugly ol vamp put up a heck of a fight talking all the time

Seems everybody just wanna talk all day round here!

Talkin about the blood of men blah the master will rise blah hell comes to town blah

then when I was so bored listening to him he near almost bit me!

But my new BLANG BLANG burned up his hand and he ran out squealing like a little piggy!

SCORE ONE FOR HONEY BOO BOO!

No, wait score two because I dusted that other one oh and then I got another one that was going to eat zander.

So that's THREE.

We didn't find Jessie, he's zander's friend, he got taken by the vamps I guess but that's okay I'm sure he's fine i'll do it tomorrow.

…

_In the morning I shall speak with her again and begin her training. I shall fullfill my duties as her watcher and I shall help her to reach her full potential as the slayer, the chosen one._

_God help us all._

…

So that's it!

I guess I have to be the slayer again and I GUESS it's pretty fun really.

HONEY BOO BOO THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!

But SHHHH! It's a secret!

P.S. we had sgetti for dinner and it was DELISHUSSSS!


End file.
